I'm Wierd

Forgive the misspelling. It's actually a reference to what I'm listening to at the moment. "Die", they keep singing. Don't worry, I'm not there yet, but why am I in this state?

I'm in that reflective mood that comes with a few glasses of wine and a cigarette. A walk around the apartment, a few glances up at the moon, and seeing silhouettes of presumably happy people in their kitchen windows makes me wonder if I've missed something. Have I given too much of myself? I ask these self-loathing questions about where my life is going, that sort of thing. Most of why I don't blog so much these days is because I'm pretty sure I'd just sound like a whiny little kid.

I watched a couple of "sad bastard" movies this weekend - Up In the Air and Crazy Heart. They're both really good and worth a rental. I saw myself in both of the main characters. In one, I was the guy always on the move with my job, never giving time to myself. In the other, I was the guy who drinks too much and loses his shit all the time. What a great contrast! Sadly, when both of these characters looked to straighten out their lives, they were handed a raw, heartbreaking deal. Hooray.

Truthfully, I feel like I've gained a lot from my job and the endless time I sacrifice for these kids (mainly the cross country kiddos). I know I am doing good, providing guidance and stability in their otherwise hectic lives. At the same time, I come home and drink until I fall asleep. What does that even mean? Is it exhaustion or an indicator of not being fulfilled? I prefer it to be exhaustion, but I honestly can't figure it out.

At the end of the day, I just want someone to say they're proud of me. See...whiny kid talk, but it's true. Maybe I need to see my parents more or something, but somehow it wouldn't mean the same. A lot of the time I just don't feel like people know what I go through day in and day out. I'm sure I don't explain it all that well, or even ever want to talk about it. I just want them to know and maybe even say that I'm doing a good job once in awhile. Surely this is not all that wierd.