Stupidly Idealistic

Yesterday was my mom and dad's anniversary. 34 years of marriage! The whole family went to church together (which could be a whole other blog post, but I'll spare everyone the usual ranting) and then drove downtown to this old "tea room", also known as a restaurant. We all packed in the family van on the way there, where my brother and I were in typical form by not getting them a card or anything, whereas my sister and her hubby were right on cue with a card and some restaurant gift cards. My mom always has to read greeting cards aloud, which can be quite annoying or hilarious, depending on your mood. So as she blabbed the words of Hallmark, I decided I would recite to her and my father an original greeting card message from the heart. It went something like this...

"Dear Mom and Dad,
Even with all the bickering, nagging, growling, and grinding of teeth you two have gone through in these many years, you must have done something right in all of it, because I still have this crazy desire to spend my life with someone. So thanks for staying together.
Love,
me"

Sweet card right? My brother followed with something equally clever and witty and probably funnier, but I still like mine the most.

I know love is probably written about more than any other subject in the world, but I think it's a lot simpler than anyone really cares to realize. It's all just a choice. Sure, there's attraction and infatuation and all that other crap that comes with romantic love, or common interests and sense of humor that comes with friendship, but the bottom line is we choose who we love. You don't have to love anyone. Plenty of people don't actually "love" their families. They just say it out of obligation, or in many instances never say it at all. I daresay that I don't actually "love" all my relatives. How could I when I don't even know them? I've chosen not to be a big part of their lives and they've done the same. It's not a big deal. Of course all this choice has to be mutual to really work, which I suppose is "the hard part".

My parents are constant proof that love is a lot simpler than so many people make it out to be. My grandparents the same; They recently celebrated 70 years together (I also forgot to give them a card). All they did was make a choice to be with the other person and one year after another rolled on by. I guess they just never got so caught up on all the other stuff; the "who am I" question, the "how can I forgive them" question, the "what are we" question, the "what do you believe" question, or the other fill-in-the-blank questions.

As the Avett Brothers say... "Decide what to be and go be it."

So I say to my friends, family, and random strangers out there...

Decide who to love and go love them

All Quiet

We've been busier than usual at the apartment; holding parties, movie nights, craft time. It's been a great couple of weeks with great friends, and as I look ahead to the next two weeks away from these people, I am reminded how crucial they are to my day to day life.

All that being said, today was a recharging day. I sat around on the couch fine-tuning my end of the year mix and eating whatever food was left in the fridge. I love these days and usually try to take a couple each week to stay balanced, but lately I haven't wanted to take as many. As I took Chester out on our walk around the block tonight, I was struck by the emptiness of our apartment and the surrounding streets. I'm sure the houses weren't as empty as they seemed, but it sure was quiet. The stillness of it all took me back to memories of living in Illinois and the solitude I experienced in North Georgia my first year teaching. Sometimes these memories can take me to the "dark side" - the sadness, the loneliness, the emptiness - all that crap. As weird as this may sound, I think extended periods of these feelings can lead to nostalgia. In both places (sometimes even in Athens), I used to go days without meaningful contact with people. The only conversations I had were the ones in my head and they weren't always cordial. You wouldn't think anyone would be nostalgic for those experiences, but when you consider the wide array of depressing music I own, you may be fooled.

As I reread some of what I just wrote, I hope it sort of makes sense, but my main point in writing all this is to say that I crave less of that "quiet time/dark side" these days, and I give all the credit to these friends of mine. I used to feel like I needed time away from people to keep from getting burned out on being social, but really, that's just because I've never had a circle of friends quite like this one. That's not to say I wouldn't want to add a few out-of-towners (perhaps from Texas) to the mix, or that newcomers aren't welcome, but I do want to say to TCH, LP, and the R brothers how much I appreciate your friendship and acceptance of everything "jim" this past year....


So please don't move...haha!

Let's Get Physical

Earlier today, I realized what was missing from my life. Sex. I had no idea. I always thought it was love, or intimacy, or something like that, but turns out it's just sex. Unadulterated sex. You think I'm joking, but it's true.

Everything I need is in my possession. I have an amazing circle of friends I can share anything with, I have a job that is fulfilling, I have an amazing family, a dog that's obsessed with me, a decent car, a great movie and music collection, I'm not fat, I'm not stupid, I have a macbook of course, and I have a roof over my head that is in walking distance to every place I want to go. So what's left?

Sex

The end.

How Easy We Forget

No, this is not a 9/11 post, but seriously...

I am struck with grief this morning and rather paralyzed with guilt. How do I get so stuck on myself when so many are far worse off than me? As our world leaders meet at Copenhagen over the next several days, I pray (yes, Jim said "pray") that some kind of meaningful change can take place in lives all over the world. I'll let the nine sets of pictures speak for themselves, but I can't help but quote Casablanca (cheesy I know, but true), "I'm no good at being noble, but it doesn't take much to see that the problems of three little people don't amount to a hill of beans in this crazy world."

http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/34114989/ns/news-picture_stories/displaymode/1247/?beginSlide=1

Culture Shock...the Suburban Way

I often tell people about the culture shock I experienced in my first few years teaching in low income schools. Last night, I got to experience another kind that was equally appalling and perhaps more disturbing.

Visiting my parents over the holidays is always nice. We sit around, talk, and drink coffee. If we go out, I try to suggest a local place or something with healthy options on the menu, but most of the time we just stay in. I am quite alright with this; however, this is not the case with visiting old friends who are in town for the holidays. Since it feels too juvenile to hang out at each others' parents' houses, we go out on the town...and by town, I mean shopping centers with corporate chains and terrible food.

Last night, we went to the Town Center Mall area, now known as Kennesaw. As high schoolers, we would go there all the time until the swankier mall opened near Roswell and we decided we were a bit too cool for putt putt. There were endless options for dinner, but we ended up at what was essentially a Scottish Hooters. The name of the establishment actually sounds like a quaint little pub that might have a decent beer selection...not so fast my friend. When the doors opened, we were greeted by a panorama of cleavage and Scottish plaid attire (or lack thereof).

From the moment we stepped in the door, I felt dirty. I didn't want to look anyone in the eye. It reminded me of my friend's bachelor party and for at least 5 minutes, I couldn't stop the awkward giggles. I ordered a few $5 beers that I could have got in Athens for $3 and diverted my eyes from the obvious and pretended to be really interested in the ESPN program on the huge TV. The food was pretty awful, but it was the objectification that was really sad.

From there, we decided to go to this other "pub" by the movie theater. Pool, shuffleboard, and smoking are the real highlights of this fine establishment. We did all but the latter. As it got later, we saw the regulars driving into the massive parking lot, lighting their cigarettes as they got out of the car, probably thinking they may actually have a chance with one of the slutty waitresses. I guess it's not any different than the scene in Athens. It just seems sadder because everyone is meeting up at a strip mall bar.

Now I know I sound all high and mighty now, but I really did have a nice time catching up with friends. At some point, I just have to shrug off my pretentiousness and accept...no, more like tolerate the culture. That's all it is...a different culture. I forget about the bubble I've made for myself in Athens. I can avoid whatever I want to avoid at any time. It's really a beautiful thing, but it can also blur your vision of the rest of American culture. The suburbs are not altogether a bad place and it's not impossible to have fun here (however a lot pricier) or do good things for others. I guess I just expect more from these people (my apologies for being judgmental). So many are "educated" and enjoy very comfortable lifestyles. Do they not know how good they have it?

In the end, I shouldn't be shocked. We're not that different. Neither one of us wants to get out of that cushy bubble we've made for ourselves and admit that we're no better than the other.

Happy Thanksgiving!

Disparity in Schools, Disparity in Life

I have much more to say about this topic (believe it or not) than I will post here, but I wanted to say something about last night before my mind floats away to some other anger/sadness-inducing topic.

Of all places to go on a Friday night, I went to a high school football playoff game in Jefferson, Georgia. Though I have never been one for school spirit during any of my tenures, whether it be my own high school days, college, or teaching days, I could not help but envy the atmosphere of the Buford vs. Jefferson 2nd round playoff game. There I was, standing amongst all these high schoolers and parents, wondering why the kids here get the privilege of such a fine spirited event. Sure, it's only football, but it felt more telling of the communities as whole. It's no secret that the school I work at is outmatched in nearly every athletic contest, but more upsetting is the lack of pride that exists in every facet of school life. Are athletics the only thing that boost student morale? Surely not.

Maybe I have a skewed view on all this. Coming from an over-privileged area, I may not have realistic expectations for what a public school should provide its students. On the other hand, I may know exactly what students all over this state deserve. They are entitled to a school atmosphere that brings them a feeling of self-worth, a curriculum that can offer a variety of options for their future, teachers that actually care about their well-being, and a facility that doesn't reek of sewage each morning when walking down the main hall to the first class of the day. Unfortunately, money is the only thing that can solve a majority of these problems.

I was fortunate that my parents made sacrifices to buy a house in a school district that could offer all these things. Sure they paid more in taxes (blah, blah, blah), but what did I do to deserve any of it? I lucked out. But must it always be luck that decides each person's future? A kid can't help it if his/her parents have nothing and can only afford a broken down trailer in rural Georgia. A kid can't help it if he/she lives with a parent who abuses them. The lives they "luck" into are sad enough. If anything, they deserve more encouragement than these pampered suburban brats who drink up all their milkshakes.

We see this all over the world. I realize it's even worse in other countries. I blog about this because I see it on a daily basis, but it's in all the issues; war, slavery, education, healthcare, world hunger, etc...

Bottom line - we are all human and we are no better than one another. I wish we, myself included, would remember this simple fact more often and treat each other accordingly.

Sadness

There are a lot of loud noises coming from various rooms of my life lately.

First, there is the TV and the talking heads that scream about deathcare and communism. I've gotten into the habit of watching these shows so that I can keep up with the news and when necessary, defend myself against hateful republicans...I mean conservatives...or whatever they are these days. If I'm in a really good mood, I may even watch the FixNews and laugh at how mad they are at everyone just to pat myself on the back for not being "one of them". ENOUGH ALREADY!!!

Last night, all I could do was watch and be sad. I think at some point, that is what's underneath it all. When you stop worrying about winning arguments and being right, you realize that there is just too much sadness in the world to bear. The sadness overtakes you when you least expect it. For me, it was the statistics they were giving on homeless veterans and veterans without adequate healthcare. Most people in my circle know that I am a pacifist (or at least try to be) and would be the last person to go out and wave a flag for the armed forces, but for some reason this issue hit me smack in the gut. I guess it's because I feel so sorry for those in the military. Many are there just to mindlessly follow in the footsteps of their family. For others, their circumstances often land them in the military just to make some money for college or to get out of trouble. Regardless of their reasons, I can't fathom how our government can be all into flag waving and lapel pins when time and time again, they leave the people that serve in their immoral wars on the streets. It's all very maddening, but I'm trying not to grind my teeth (I do enough of that in my sleep). I'm just saddened by it. Overwhelmed.

The second "noisy" room for me is my school, leaving children behind left and right and in so many different ways. I could go on for days about curriculum problems and why AYP stats are ridiculous, but lately it's the apathy and the absence of love that so many children live with at home that makes me sad. It's the student with autism that stares at you blankly. It's the dyslexic kid that looks at words on a page as if they were in a different language. It's the kid that has an IQ of 60 who doesn't know why the things he repeats from his parents are so racist. It's the quiet kid who lives without a mother and doesn't know any better about hygiene, trimming his fingernails, or wearing shirts that aren't dirty undershirts. I don't know what to say sometimes. What can you say? What can you do?

Legislators want all these kids to be the same as the honors kid, to go to college, to be a "valuable" part of society. Many of their parents expect the same thing. Really? Do they not see their limitations? Do they not see the kids' eyes when they don't get trig ratios or when they feel worthless because they can't remember the most famous Byzantine emperor (as if any of it really matters). It's the eyes that tell you. Some are just completely lost. Others are just hurt. The way these kids get treated by other teachers can be really shocking. Where has empathy gone? Why flood a kid that can't read with a load of reading activities? Common sense anyone?

There's also the flipside to some of these kids. There are plenty that can do just as much as the next kid, but don't have the drive. The apathy they have for school isn't the only thing that concerns me. Instead, it's their apathy towards life. We are teaching more and more children that just don't care about anything. Anything! They would rather play childish games on the Internet than do anything of value. The helpless feeling I have around them is what depresses me. I could be the coolest teacher in the world, the most encouraging, the funniest, the most genuinely concerned, but none of that makes a difference. It's a black hole sucking every good intention out of you until you're just...sad.

The third thing that saddens me (as if there needed to be more) is coming home. When friends ask me about work, I don't really want to get into it. I just avoid the topic to avoid the underlying sadness. I suppose it's what we all do one way or another. The kid that plays the childish Internet game probably does so to avoid the sadness he/she feels when they know they can't read the assignment given to them. The apathetic kid may be coming to school just to avoid his sorry home life and secure at least 2 meals a day. The drained teacher turns on the TV to the talking heads just to avoid the real problems underneath.

Sadly, the loud noises probably never go away. We just have to surround ourselves with loved ones that drown them out. I just wish there were more of them close by.