Sadness

There are a lot of loud noises coming from various rooms of my life lately.

First, there is the TV and the talking heads that scream about deathcare and communism. I've gotten into the habit of watching these shows so that I can keep up with the news and when necessary, defend myself against hateful republicans...I mean conservatives...or whatever they are these days. If I'm in a really good mood, I may even watch the FixNews and laugh at how mad they are at everyone just to pat myself on the back for not being "one of them". ENOUGH ALREADY!!!

Last night, all I could do was watch and be sad. I think at some point, that is what's underneath it all. When you stop worrying about winning arguments and being right, you realize that there is just too much sadness in the world to bear. The sadness overtakes you when you least expect it. For me, it was the statistics they were giving on homeless veterans and veterans without adequate healthcare. Most people in my circle know that I am a pacifist (or at least try to be) and would be the last person to go out and wave a flag for the armed forces, but for some reason this issue hit me smack in the gut. I guess it's because I feel so sorry for those in the military. Many are there just to mindlessly follow in the footsteps of their family. For others, their circumstances often land them in the military just to make some money for college or to get out of trouble. Regardless of their reasons, I can't fathom how our government can be all into flag waving and lapel pins when time and time again, they leave the people that serve in their immoral wars on the streets. It's all very maddening, but I'm trying not to grind my teeth (I do enough of that in my sleep). I'm just saddened by it. Overwhelmed.

The second "noisy" room for me is my school, leaving children behind left and right and in so many different ways. I could go on for days about curriculum problems and why AYP stats are ridiculous, but lately it's the apathy and the absence of love that so many children live with at home that makes me sad. It's the student with autism that stares at you blankly. It's the dyslexic kid that looks at words on a page as if they were in a different language. It's the kid that has an IQ of 60 who doesn't know why the things he repeats from his parents are so racist. It's the quiet kid who lives without a mother and doesn't know any better about hygiene, trimming his fingernails, or wearing shirts that aren't dirty undershirts. I don't know what to say sometimes. What can you say? What can you do?

Legislators want all these kids to be the same as the honors kid, to go to college, to be a "valuable" part of society. Many of their parents expect the same thing. Really? Do they not see their limitations? Do they not see the kids' eyes when they don't get trig ratios or when they feel worthless because they can't remember the most famous Byzantine emperor (as if any of it really matters). It's the eyes that tell you. Some are just completely lost. Others are just hurt. The way these kids get treated by other teachers can be really shocking. Where has empathy gone? Why flood a kid that can't read with a load of reading activities? Common sense anyone?

There's also the flipside to some of these kids. There are plenty that can do just as much as the next kid, but don't have the drive. The apathy they have for school isn't the only thing that concerns me. Instead, it's their apathy towards life. We are teaching more and more children that just don't care about anything. Anything! They would rather play childish games on the Internet than do anything of value. The helpless feeling I have around them is what depresses me. I could be the coolest teacher in the world, the most encouraging, the funniest, the most genuinely concerned, but none of that makes a difference. It's a black hole sucking every good intention out of you until you're just...sad.

The third thing that saddens me (as if there needed to be more) is coming home. When friends ask me about work, I don't really want to get into it. I just avoid the topic to avoid the underlying sadness. I suppose it's what we all do one way or another. The kid that plays the childish Internet game probably does so to avoid the sadness he/she feels when they know they can't read the assignment given to them. The apathetic kid may be coming to school just to avoid his sorry home life and secure at least 2 meals a day. The drained teacher turns on the TV to the talking heads just to avoid the real problems underneath.

Sadly, the loud noises probably never go away. We just have to surround ourselves with loved ones that drown them out. I just wish there were more of them close by.